Ventilation

I recently went through some major life changes. Changes that were for the worse. My life before was busy; a whirlwind of work, more work, occasional blogging, and a small slice of a social life. I loved my work but there were times when it really made me, not hate, but definitely dislike my life. It was so hectic at times that I felt I couldn’t breathe. And now here I am, out of work. Fired. Never mind the pride and sense of self I lost along with my work; I had become so accustomed to the whirlwind that getting thrown out of it left me dazed, unaware of how to handle this new vastness that lay before me. Unfortunately I’m not rich so all that space couldn’t be filled with a vacation getaway to re-examine and recharge. Instead it has been filled with long days of rumination, of echoing reminders and words and regrets. Not every day is bad. I have friends, I have family. They care about me and they check on me. I’ve been spending a lot of time with my friends. Going to the movies, going for walks around town and taking pictures, and just vegging out and marathoning tv shows. They have their own lives, though. Their own problems. It’s funny because I used to cherish the moments I had to myself; they were pretty rare. Now I’m starting to hate all this extra time. As the days add up, my mind wanders further. Some days are bad and I go to dark places. Not every day, but some days. It’s fitting, I suppose, that I love roller coasters so much. That’s what my emotions are lately, up and down. Some days I feel tough as nails, on others I feel defeated and unsure of myself. I own a house and with no paycheck coming in it’s getting harder and harder to maintain even the basics. It’s stressful and I’m uncertain. And the uncertainty is scary but just as worrying is the feeling that in many ways I’ve lost my sense of self. The struggle has left me exhausted and I hope it ends soon. I knew when I lost my job I would have some hard days ahead, but I didn’t realize just how bad it would get. I keep reminding myself I’m strong and I’ve survived worse. But I really am facing some heavy shit — never mind the loss of my sense of self (which is just plain confusing); if something doesn’t change soon I’ll lose my house. I’m under so much stress. This whole situation has left me reeling. Forgive the “woe is me”-ness of all this. (Ugh.) I’ll be okay. I just need to vent.